We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
