it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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