I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
