Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm too high and old for this...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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