Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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