Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
