I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Reggie can tackle my bush.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
