On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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