Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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