Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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