woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
