were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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