I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
