nutella sex= disaster
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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