Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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