i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
