There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize