New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
