Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I touched a dick in church today
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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