It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
