make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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