I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You smell like stripper and shame
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
