Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
