I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
