You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
