hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
