why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
