New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
