dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
