walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Found the puke drawer
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize