I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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