Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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