All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
