A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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