Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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