3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
