mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
