You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
