Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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