You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh god it's open bar.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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