i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
