why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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