Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
