I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
