I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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