Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
