Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
