are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
