I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
