i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
