I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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