Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
