he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
