i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
