When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I forget how to act sober
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
