I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
