I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
