he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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