GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
