wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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