Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
