Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
