Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
