well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
