The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
