I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
