i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
