Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize