I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
