its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
