Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
