He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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