If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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