don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
