i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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